Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Not a good day

Today was a bad mom day. One of those days where, by the time it ends you feel completely broken. Anyone who's a mom knows what that's like. You start your day off well, but it feels like no matter what you do there is someone there to mess it up.
My two were at each other's throats today. Everything was a battle. Nothing was easy and by the end of it I think they were sent into time out or to their room more than they were out of it. Then the last straw happened. Stewart wrecked a pinata that I had been making for his birthday on the weekend. This occurred while I was making dinner and my darling husband was having a 3 hour nap. At that point I lost it. I finished making dinner, actually dished it out for everyone but me, then went downstairs while they ate. What did I do? I vacuumed the freakin basement!!! With my ipod on so I could drown out the world but still.
Once everyone started coming downstairs because their dinner was done, I went up....to find a bunch of dishes just sitting on the counter. So, I opened up the fridge and started downing a Strongbow. Yup, it was either that or scream.
I hate days like this.

Monday, September 29, 2008

A pause

I'm having one of those emotional moments right now. You know those ones where you literally feel like you are just going to burst with every and any type of emotion? Like your feelings are raw and exposed on your skin? No specific reason for this reaction. Just life.
I wonder if men ever feel like this? Probably not. If they did they'd understand the phase, "have a good cry".
My son came home with a cut out heart accidentally taped onto his shirt sleeve. He was wearing his heart on his sleeve. Maybe it was a sign?
Must go push the play button on life. There's dinner to make and two kids to taxi to gymnastics. Oh, to be a mom.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

That funky feeling....

has gone yet again. Fingers crossed it's gone for good. Yeah right, but we can only hope!

My girls

I was watching the Sex and the City movie the other night and I was left with a couple of thoughts.
1. I love that I have the same kind of close girlfriends that I would do anything for.

2. I wish we got to see each other more often. :(

Monday, September 22, 2008

My heart

I have this theory about hearts. Your heart is like a large piece of land that is divided up into smaller pieces of real estate. There are certain people that come into your life and take ownership of those pieces of real estate. You're heart no longer belongs to you, but belongs to others. Some pieces you give away freely. Others are taken without your knowledge. And sometimes, there are pieces that you find you didn't even know were there to give.
I have many people that I love in my life and then there are those who own a piece of my heart. It can be both a wonderful and scary thing. I hope they're all good investors. :)

Saturday, September 13, 2008

a time for change

I quit my job. Well, I quit one of my jobs. The one that took me out of my home. The part time one at M&M's. I am really excited about this. Why? Because even though there are days that I will be looking after 6 kids it still won't be as bad as some of the customers I have had at the store. I mean, you can put a kid in a time out for behaving badly, but you can't do that to a customer.
I am also looking forward to not working in a store during the Christmas season. To be able to watch Christmas specials, do silly crafts and have fun with the daycare kids is making me giddy with anticipation!
I am going to miss the people I work with. The socializing of it all. I have been lucky to make some very good friends while I worked there....and one who was a complete surprise. But thanks to email, facebook and and overall effort I know we will stay friends.
So, I have 5 shifts left and then I am done. I have achieved my goal which was to be gone before my mom (who is also my manager) retire. And now I start the new job of a full time daycare provider. I still know there will be tough days, but I'm up for it. And I also get 3 day weekends! Woo hoo!!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

And now for the ugly...

My daughter has started gaining weight in a very short time. Just over this summer and it is quite noticeable in everyone who sees her. Now I'm not saying she's chubby, but basically she has gone from petite to now solid. This is a bit stressful for me and I'll tell you why.
For my entire life my mom has always said the same thing about me..."Nicole, you were really petite until senior kindergarten and then, all of a sudden, you just got bigger and bigger.". And what grade has Abby just started? SK. Is she going to follow in my footsteps? God, I hope not! This is one genetic trait I really didn't want to pass down.
I am just so afraid of all of this. I always hated the way my parents handled my weight issue. The bribes, the "do you really need that?"...it all drove me crazy and just made me dislike myself and my family even more.
I hate what this is doing to me. I hate the worry over all of it. I want to tell her that she'll be loved no matter what size she is and that she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. That she is so bright and loving and full of energy.
I am just so scared. I know what the wrong way is to handle all of this, but I just don't know what the right way is. Argh!

Catching up

Okay, so I've kinda been slacking in my blog posts as of late. What can I say, it was a busy summer. And since we just got back from a trip to PEI and Quebec I have a lot of laundry I'm avoiding right now.
I find it funny that the moment you don't have a computer around in the time when you feel like writing. I mean, I think I pretty much thought of a blog entry every day while I was away. But since I was at a cottage in PEI....they pretty much stayed in my head.
So, what should I start with? The good, the bad or the ugly? Lets start with the good.......
I read three books while I was away! The first three of the Twilight series. Yes, like the rest of the world I am hooked....and sad to know I only have one book left. There is nothing better than finding a book you like and just wanting to read it all of the time. I spent my evenings at the cottage curled up on a couch reading. It was lovely....and relaxing. It was what I needed and it felt so good.

Now the bad, ugh! I lost my self confidence again. Okay, this one will need a bit of a back story. For my entire life (up until about two months ago) I had very little self confidence. I can put on a wonderful facade, but the truth is I feel like I have zero self worth. I always had this feeling that if I walked into a place everyone there was looking around at me thinking, "Why is she here?!". My 20's were complete crap for the simple reason that they were to go out and socialize and I was too damn afraid to do it. My poor housemates at university would try to get me to go out with them, but I often said no. I was always jealous that they were able to go out and have fun, but I just couldn't bring myself to go.
Okay, here's a soul bearing truth.....my husband was the first boy I ever dated, the first one that I really thought saw any interest in me.....and there has always been that small part of me that thought...if he ever left me there would be no one else in the world that would want me. Blech! I know, I know!
Anyway, I don't know what happened...whether it be that I was sick for so long and finally felt better, or it was that I went off to the big city on my own to watch a concert...anyway, I suddenly was filled with self confidence. I was more social than I've ever been in my entire life and loving it. I felt like I had something to offer the world. Suddenly all the worry and stress I had about all the little things in life was gone and I was feeling wonderful!
Here's an example of how good my frame of mind was....I was to meet a friend for a movie and he was 45 minutes late....and I didn't care! I mean, after 15 minutes I normally would have nearly been in tears from my brain working so fast to try and figure out what had happened. I can honestly tell you I was as cool as a cucumber! I just sat there, gave myself a time limit and enjoyed the silence of not having 6 kids talking to me at once. I even had a guy come up to me and say "Your getting stood up by your date too?" and I didn't care! I found the whole thing funny!
Sadly, that self confidence disappeared while I was on vacation. I really hated to see it go. I'm really not sure what made it disappear. Was it the sudden change of my parents not following us to Quebec city? Was it the strain of trying to translate french for four people? Or was it that damn full length mirror in the cottage in PEI? Whatever it was, it sucked it all away. Hopefully this is just a little funk and the new, confident me will arise again soon.
Oh, the ugly is going to have to wait until another post. Must go get the kiddies breakfast and send them off for their first day of SK!